The man with whom I have nothing in common, other than my surname and a few twisted genes, fixed 21st May 2011 as my wedding date just to assert his authority and rile me up for one last time before I slipped out of his strangling grip.
My protests were met with threats of withdrawal from his fatherly obligations and his involvement with the process of making me a man. Since he had all the resources, influence and affluence, I agreed with his decision, not knowing that this compromise would haunt me moments away from eternity.
“How on earth will the earth end on my wedding day?” I thought. How will it all end when it is just few minutes to unwrapping the package whose dark inside I have been taking sneaky peeks?
How will it end when I’m about to sign a deal that makes the forbidden fruit an entitlement, my exclusive right?
I had been strategizing for tonight since 15years ago, when I became aware of the dual capability of my urinary organ. My annoyingly religious mum never allowed me to experiment with it…”any alternative use of that thing qualifies you for hell” she would say, ending her long speeches with “…remember, wherever you go, whatever you do, my eyes are watching you”
What the effing hell? Nobody on earth can endure her penetrating gaze while doing the deed, so, I never tried.
I felt two powerful hands tug at the sleeves of my suit; the pull on my arms and the deafening silence jolted me back to reality. Without thinking, I heard myself scream “I AM THE GROOM!”
Nobody listened, it seemed the ultimate goal of the men pulling me was creating maximum possible distance between my wife of 30minutes and I. Isn’t it too early for men to try putting us asunder?
My sanity gradually coming back, I realized there had been a major change in the arrangement of guests, the people on the high table were standing on their tables while others who could not get a space at the front stood on their seats.
I didn’t understand what was happening, neither did I know how long I was gone. The last thing I heard was the pastor’s voice saying “you may now kiss the bride” and the applause accompanying each step I took towards my prize. I guess that was when I lost it.
Everybody was too embarrassed to tell me what happened at my own wedding, nobody gave me answers to my questions. At least, not until I heard my own story in a radio program that reports odd events “IRIRI AIYE”.
In the presenter’s words, “…what was supposed to be a brief contact of lips developed into a frenzied, passionate lip-lock, guests responded with applause, admiring the intensity of love and burning desire in the newly wedded couple.
The bride was suprised at the actions of the seeming spiritual “brother” she met in the scripture union fellowship, since she obviously had no say in this matter, she had no choice but go with the flow”
“The applause was fading out but the kiss didn’t, it took efforts of two hefty security men to get the groom off the bride, but not until he had successfully undone the zipper of the bride’s wedding gown…”